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So I am approaching the end of my SWAT game. I really dont know how many more days, months or years I have left. I do know that the amount of time I have is less than what I have put in. When you approach the end of anything that has consumed so much of your time and effort, you tend to wonder whether it was worth it. 

I mean SWAT is directly responsible for two knee surgeries. Although I had been dislocating my right shoulder since the Army, SWAT is responsible for the majo reconstruction that I had done to it. My ears ring all the goddamn time, annoying doesnt bebin to explain it. My default response it always, “huh”? I really should come up with something cooler to say than “huh”. Maybe, My damn ears ring like the dickens, so unless you want to speak up a little, assume I can understand a damn thing that is coming out of your mouth! I used to think huh? conveyed that, but probably not. 

In addition to the physical issues, I also wonder about time away from home. I have been on 24-7 callout status for over 17 years. I have never been a big drinker, but I can tell you that I rarely drink because I am on call. I dont want to be intoxicated, or halfway there, if we get called out. I have made a promise to my teammates and I intend to keep it. That promise is that I will be there if the team needs me. I also wonder if my family has paid a price for my commitment? My wife says its quality not quantity, and not just in time mind you.

Even though I suffer physical issues and maybe some internal guilt, I wouldn’t trade it. SWAT has given me more opportunities than it has taken. I have had the pleasure of working with some of the finest people in law enforcement. I have been allowed to stand with quality men who measure you by actions. I have stood on the shoulders of better men than me and I have been fortunate enough to have some of them consider me a friend. Just being on SWAT doesn’t make you honorable, or brave or proficient. Those things require dedication and commitment. I believe that being in that type of environment for a long time helps solidify those traits in my character. It is my opinion that I am a better father and husband because of SWAT. Just like I am a better team member because of my family. They co-exist, each one driving me to be better for the mutual benefit of all.